Welcome to Ghoul Pool Headquarters

Actor & American Express pitchman, Karl Malden died at the spry age of 97.  You may remember him in such movies as "Operation Secret," & "The Adventures of Bullwhip Griffin."

Malden, who starred in "A Streetcar Named Desire," and "On The Waterfront," ("I'm just a potato-eater") will always be remembered for his commercials, humping American Express Travelers Checks.  He made "Don't leave home without 'em" a household... word?  phrase?  (We'll get back to you on that syntax at a later date.)

After that, the guys got his nose.  Damn, I defy anyone in Hollywood today to make it with a nose like that.  Apparently, his nose was broken several times, making it bulbous like that.       No punch line there.  Just floatin' that out there.

Malden also appeared in the 1965 classic "The Cincinnati Kid," about an Ohio boy's quest to beat up the Toronto Kid (or spread his Cincinnati seed).

In his later years, he acted less and less.  His last gig was an appearance in "The West Wing."  Apparently the excessive walking-through-corridors-while-delivering-your-dialogue didn't suit him and he was never the same.

This hit goes to: Team Carifa-

Wait a sec... Didn't I just make a crack about them not getting any hits?  And they get, like, RIGHT away!  Hmmm... now what did Karl die of exactly?

Well, until the staff at Ghoul Pool Headquarters can prove the innocent guilty, we will put them on the board with 10 points!

Happy Pooling,

SPMI

Holy crap, Ray!  We've been so busy here at Ghoul Pool Headquarters that we missed a hit! 

But fear not, once all the dust settled, we found out that Dusty Rhodes of the new York Giants died on June 17 at the spry age of 82.

Sure, he was never the King of Pop.  He never had a best-selling poster.  He never tried to sell you cleaning products with energetic demonstrations on infomercials.  But he did help the Giants win their last World Series in 1954.  Let's see Michael Jackson do that.

Rhodes then went on to feud with such greats as Terry Funk, "Crippler" Ray Stevens and most notably, The Four Horsemen with Ric Flair.

This hit goes to: Ed!  Of course.  Giving him another 20 points.  He now joins a 4-way tie for second.

Happy pooling,
SPMI

Sweet, perky holdover, Gale Storm, died at the spry age of 87.  The staff at Ghoul Pool central are scrambling to find out if she was from Hawaii, one of the apostles, prominently featured on American Bandstand or...  We just don't know yet!

What we do know is that Storm played the perky innocent  chick that was usually left behind because she was cute and sweet, but we men need something a little saucier.  Ah, old movies, you set such a bright example for women.

She worked on many westerns, despite her fear of horses.  She particularly hated Roy Rogers horse, Trigger.  Apparently, in scenes were Roy & Gale were riding side-by-side, Trigger kept biting Gales horse in the neck.  I always knew trigger was a little bastard.

Storm went on to star on TV's "My Little Margie," and "The Gale Storm Show."  Like so many marginal actors of her day, her final appearances were on: "Burke's Law," "The Love Boat," and, of course, "Murder; She Wrote."

Her last act was to give Carol 20 points!  This puts Carol on the board and in a three-way imaginary tie for second to last.

I notice that the former juggernaut of Team Carifa has zero hits.  Will there be a schism?  Will Tracy & Jason have separate lists next year and go mano-a-mano against each other?

Till the next death, Happy Pooling,

SPMI

Former New York Met and arguably the best Cent--    I'm sorry, what's that?  Willie Mays is alive?      Oh.

Sorry.

World famous Tae Bo instructor an---  What?  Billy Blanks is also alive?             Then who the hell am I supposed to write about?.........              Oohhhh...

Sorry again.

Infomercial guru and all around excited guy,  Billie Mays was found dead by his wife in his bedroom.  At this time, no cause of death is given.

Police do not suspect foul play.  But that's only because they completely underestimated the power of OxiClean!  Nothing!  And I mean Nothing removes gallons and gallons of freshly spilled blood from your sheets like OxiClean!  No-  No.  Mr. Limbaugh, that's OxiCLEAN.  Cleeaan.  Got that?  Ok, get outta here.  Where was I?  Ok:

Got blood on your weapon?  No problem?  Scorch marks left on the corpse after you fired two extra rounds into his head just to make sure he's dead?  Child's play!  let OxiClean remove those stubborn, incriminating stains!  The police will NEVER suspect foul play!  That's my 100% guarantee to you:  The police will NEVER suspect foul play! 

Call in the next ten minutes and receive, absolutely free, THIS set of surgical gloves!  That's right, absolutely FREE!  What's the use in cleaning up the crime scene if you're gonna leave fingerprints all over it? 

Hey, you were in Vegas with me!  I'll vouch for ya!

But wait, there's more!

This hit gives us a NEW leader!  that's right, a NEW LEADER!  There's no confusion.  Just good science!

Jay & Erica rack up our second.  Yes, that's right, I said second 50 point hit of the WEEK!  They broke the 100 POINT MARK!

Operators are standing by.

Guarantee is not a real guarantee.

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Yesterday, the king of pop died a mysterious death at they spry age of 50.  He suffered a cardiac arrest.  Whether he was sharing a bed with an 11-year-old boy at the time has not been  confirmed.

Ghoul Pool, sources close to the case have found that Jackson's death comes at the end of a long bout with a severe case of the Mama-se-Mama-sa-Ma-Mock-oo-sa's.

Other sources that Jackson died because his nose collapsed into itself, but pop-watchers all know that that happen ten years ago.

Soon after his death, Jackson reportedly crawled out of a  sewer and joined in an elaborate dance number with his fellow recently-departed.  You could almost here Vincent Price laughing in the background...

Jackson will be remembered for... well, a myriad of things.  He was the kid  star who sang "ABC."  Then he had plastic surgery.  He proved that he had the chops to go solo with "Of The wall."  Then he had surgery.  He starred in "The Wiz."  Then he had plastic surgery.  He recorded one of the biggest albums in the history of recorded music, "Thriller."  Then he had plastic surgery.  He changed the music video industry forever with the epic video for "Thriller."  Then he had plastic surgery.  He "slept" with McCauley Kulkin.  Then he had plastic surgery.  He built the Neverland ranch with Ferris wheel and all.  Then he had plastic surgery.  He went broke. Then he had plastic surgery.  He lost the Neverland ranch.  Then he had-    well, you get it.

Jackson's spin out of control became more public when he was interviewed by Martin Bashir, who was given "full" access to Jackson's life.  This was where Jackson said that he shared a bed with little boys but that there was no sex involved and to think so was "just ignorant."  Seriously, no punch line needed.

He was seen going shopping and spending about $750,000 in three minutes.  Money's wasted on the rich.

Then, in Berlin, he dangled his child out of a balcony for the press to see.  When the police questioned him, he claimed that he was helping housekeeping by hanging his blanket out to dry.

And let's not forget the de-evolution of his face.  Year after year, his skin got lighter and his face imploded until he looked suspiciously like Lord Voldetmort.

in the end, not really a guy you can sit around and toss back a few beer with... unless the bar was in an oxygen tent.

This surprising hit goes to: Gabe.  She moonwalks her way onto the board and steals Mary's thunder.

now, today, I want every one to wear a single black glove as a sign of mourning.

happy pooling and Die, Cronkite, die!

SPMI

Farrah Fawcett earned her title of Angel today by dying. 

Fawcett finally succumbed to a long, well documented battle with a burning bed at the spry age of 62.

Ryan O’Neal, the longtime companion who had reunited with Fawcett as she fought the burning bed, was at her side, along with close friend Alana Stewart, Bloch said.  O'Neal said in a statement that "In the end, she was just like one, charred, brave, little lump of coal."  Reports say that the bed is still burning (much to the behest of Aussie band Midnight Oil).

Fawcett will always be remembered as being one of Charlie's Angels.  Three crime-fighting hotties in the 70's who, week after week, found them selves in situations that forced scantily clad clothing onto their bodies.  Charlie never sent them onto a mission in the Antarctic... Nooooo.  It's this beach or that yacht club...

The surviving Angels, Jaclyn Smith & Cheryl Ladd both issued statements about how great Farrah was and blah, blah. blah.  Once, I would love someone to die and have their co-workers issue a statement saying what a total bitch she was and he was such a prick.  But I guess we'll have to wait for Courtney Love's associates to start dying off before we get a dose of that.

This hit goes to: Mary!  She is on the board!  And she's been waiting for this one.  Right there w/ Patrick Swayze.

This gives Mary 40 whopping points!  She's now tied for 4th w/ Pirate & me.

Happy Pooling and yes, I know Michael Jackson died but we have guests so you just have to wait till the morning,

SPMI

or: YES!  You ARE dead, SIR!

Ed McMahon received his Angel of Death Clearinghouse Sweepstakes mailer at the spry age of 86.  (You may already be worm food).  He's now in heaven, a little off to the side.   Sitting on the right hand of... Carson.

Ed McMahon was Johnny Carson's sidekick even before the tonight show.  Before that, he was his sidekick on "Who Do You Trust?" 

McMahon said himself  “There’s the old phrase, hook your wagon to a star. I hitched my wagon to a great star.”  that star, of course, was Fred DiCordova, long-time producer of The Tonight Show.

While Carson faded into obscurity, McMahon went on to greatness and will always be remembered for his poignant work in his Alpo commercials and his layered voiceovers for the Budweiser ads.

His latest opus was aired during the Super Bowl where he finally got to work with the great MC Hammer, selling a gold-for-cash opportunity for those down on their luck.  McMahon's return was reminded us of a gristled old James Cagney, who came out of retirement to make one last movie: Ragtime.

For years, McMahon was dogged with questions about "whatever happened to that Johnny-guy that you worked for?"  Ed always reassured them that Johnny was resting easy on the royalties that he received from doing a Simpsons episode.

Ed himself, faced some financial hardship in the end.  Donald Trump actually stepped in to pay his mortgage for him.  Seriously, I ask you: What the hell did you do with all that money?  You really deserve to work with MC Hammer with that kind of financial irresponsibility.

This hit goes to: ME!  Your fearless Ghoul Pool Administrator!  These 20 points put me at 1/2 of my wife's score.  Yay, me!

So, have a can of Alpo, buy burial insurance (I sure hope Ed did) and of course, drink a Bud for dead ol' Ed.

Happy pooling and Die, Cronkite, Die!

SPMI

The last remaining Titanic survivor, who threw an extremely valuable rock into the ocean 12 years ago, died at the spry age of 97.  Millvina Dean was 2 months old when the boat sank.  She was lowered into her lifeboat in a sack and was one of the few steerage passengers to survive.

She credited her survival to he quick-thinking father.  As he felt the iceberg hit, he reacted immediately and brought the family up before the rest of the poor were locked in.

Since she broke her hip, she had to live in a nursing home, which she could not afford.  She was forced to sell her Titanic memorabilia and deeply regretted throwing that damn stone into the drink.  Kate Winslet, Leo DiCaprio & James Cameron stepped in to help pay for her care last month.  They now breathe a sigh of relief.  "I was afraid that I'd be paying for that old bat's care for the next ten years," said Winslet in a statement released to the press.  "But Jimmy (Cameron) assured me that he'd have someone 'slip her a Mickey' in the coming months."

DiCaprio was also relieved.  "Every minute I spent with that old coot was a minute spent dodging her roaming hands.  God, she was a horny old battleaxe."

Celine Dion could care less about the whole story.

This hit goes to: Pirate Jen!  This moves Pirate up to... oh, OK.  She stays in the same spot on the list.  but now she has twice the points that I have!

Die, Nancy, die!

SPMI

or

Short people got no treason to-   ah, forget it.

The town crier from Munchkin Land died at the spry age of  89.  Mickey Carroll was one of the few surviving Munchkins from the movie The Wizard of Oz. 

Carroll was squashed when a dollhouse dropped out of the sky and onto his tiny, frail frame.  Someone absconded with his footwear, causing his feet just curled up and slid under the dollhouse.

The mayor of Munchkin Town declared it to be a sad day for all.  "There will be no singing and dinging on this dark day.  I'm sure that I speak for all munchkins when I say that this death does not put us in the mood for a spontaneous, choreographed song and dance routine."

He, and the Lollipop Guild will be the pall bearers of  his tiny, tiny coffin.

Stephen Cox, a friend of Carroll's and the author of a book on the Munchkins, told the St. Louis Post-Dispatch that Carroll was 4-foot-3 when he stopped growing in his 40s.  Which leads us to the question: there's a book about the munchkins?  And Why haven't we read this?  Why don't we ALL own copies of this?  Especially Tom.

Glenda the Good Witch was reached in her retirement home in Boca Raton, FL.  Lit cigarette dangling from her mouth, she commented in a raspy voice, "Yeah, he was a sweet kid that one... he was the short one.. right?"

This little hit goes to: Gianna!  of course!  If someone else had a munchkin, Gianna would go on a violent rampage.  This put's Gianna just a munchkin's death away from the lead with 70 points!

Nancy Reagan's & Harry Morgan's breathing continue unabated.

Happy pooling,
SPMI

From guest writer Pirate Jen:

At age 92 Dominic DiMaggio, brother of Joe DiMaggio, died of jealousy over his brothers immortalization in the song "Mrs. Robinson".  So here's to you DOM DiMaggio for giving Bean 10 points!

DiMaggio also had the longest hitting streak in red Sox history  (34 games).  A streak that was broken... by his big brother when he caught a line-drive in the eighth inning.

Dom went on to marry Velma-Jean Harlow, the horse-faced younger sister to Norman Jean.  He was later mentioned in a Loggins and Messina song.

This puts Bean (a.k.a: Tailgating with jests) in a tie for the lead!  Looks like Dom's bringing the kielbasa!  Now, Jami is the only one in the at-least-I-have-as-many-points-as-Bean Club. 

Happy pooling,
SPMI